Unwanted Gifts… Lesson 9 of 10 for 10 years

Feedback is a gift apparently… but not one I like getting

I don’t know who first said that Feedback is a gift, but I know they didn’t mean that it was like the fun kind with pretty paper that you’re excited about opening!

They meant more like the useful kind, that you roll your eyes when you open but then realise how handy it is a week later. Like a hoover or one of those kitchen gadgets off of the home shopping network.

And even if you know the gift will be useful in the end, feedback – for most people- will always be something that’s difficult to hear. After ten years running the business, I know that I find giving and receiving feedback uncomfortable, but I have found tools to cope with both.

So, if you’re struggling with this in your business then these tips might help.

Giving Feedback

Write it Down – When I get anxious or worked up, I struggle with words, they get all jumbled up and my emotions get tangled up in it too, so I end up being really bad at trying to say what I want to say. I find that writing it down really helps – either to send as an email so the written form can be a jumping off point for the rest of the conversation or to use as a sort of script to make sure you’re covering everything you want to. Even if you don’t use the physical bit of paper, the act of writing it down has the effect of helping you get things straight and embed the points into your brain.

Say it Out Loud – If drama wasn’t your thing in school then this is one for the shower (and you can’t tell me you’ve never done this before!). Take some time to ‘practice’ the conversation either in your head or out loud. If you’re especially scared about how they might react try and think of the worst case scenarios – those things that would really upset you if you said it and work out the best way to respond, to reply. Thinking of the worst case can help remove the fear of the unknown and remove some of that anxiety you’re feeling.

What If Away – Much like the above point, asking yourself ‘what if’ can make a huge difference to the way you react to things. I used to have an obsession with being perfect, if someone was coming round just to drop something off, I had to have the house cleaned perfectly and fresh cupcakes ready to go. I went through some CBT therapy which taught me to use the What If question when I felt those impulses taking over. What if I don’t clean the house, what if I don’t have cupcakes made. Questioning my instincts and my impulses through to the conclusion meant overriding a lot of my natural anxieties and see clearly what was and wasn’t a realistic outcome of a situation (spoiler – no one’s gonna hate your if your house is a bit untidy!)

Receiving Feedback

Expose Yourself – This, this is the hardest one and but it’s the only way I’ve found to lessen my natural reaction (thank you RSD) to feedback (well, the fear of feedback and my natural inclination to see the bad in it). Ever heard of exposure therapy? Yeah, so had I but the thought of lying in a box covered in spiders (a la I’m a celeb) kind of put me off the concept. I guess this is akin to that but it’s no where near as horrific! The idea with exposure if to get yourself used to the idea of feedback being both a positive and a learning experience, to welcome feedback of all kinds and to understand every side of what you are told.

To do this I sent out a survey to all clients – short and simple with 3 questions. Questions 1 and 3 were nice ones – can you provide me a testimonial and what do love about the way we work together; question 2 was the ‘negative’ one – what I could improve. So, full disclosure, I was terrified of these coming back and it took me a few days to open them (I said it as good, not easy!).

When I did, I was confronted with – essentially – loads of compliments (who doesn’t love an ego stroke) and a small handful of constructive feedback. I was actually surprised that some people had actually put ‘nothing that I can think of’ which is a bit of a compliment in itself (or their too scared to give feedback in which case I might send them this blog). The answers I did have were operational, simple things that I could do to make life easier for my clients… they weren’t personal attacks or comments on my looks, the colour of my office or my life choices. They were simply ideas that I could easily build into my business.

Doing this allowed me to start building a new understanding of feedback – that is wasn’t inherently bad or negative but that it was an opportunity.

The Conclusion?

So those are my top tips for giving and receiving feedback, they’re worth a go but it is a muscle you’ll have to keep stretching because it’s much easier with our love of negative bias as humans to slip back into the old ways!

And I’m not perfect, I still cringe when people start a confrontation in public- because, the other thing I’ve learned is that feedback and confrontation are two very different things and we need to stop thinking they are the same.

Get out there, give feedback, give compliments, give ideas. Most of all just communicate.